Is it just me, or does it seem that, lately, every time you buy something or pay for a service, within a few hours you get an annoying email, with the business asking you to take a “brief customer service satisfaction survey” to give you “feedback” on your “experience” with “our company”?
Go to the dentist. Get a survey email.
Eat dinner at arestaurant. Survey email.
Order a sweater online. Survey email.
Stay in a hotel.
Fly on a plane.
Order a pizza.
Apply for a car loan.
Watch a movie.
Buy a turtle.
Get a colonoscopy.
Or a tattoo.
It seems like I can’teven go to the bathroom these days without someone asking me to fill out a survey about it.
Look, I know what’s really going on here. The American people have become the unwitting subjects of some super-secret grad school psych study on how many survey emails it takes to make the average American have a nervous breakdown. Researchers are hiding behind bushes all over America, blitzing targets like me with survey emails, and then they’re just waiting to see how long it takes for us to be carried out of our homes, after we’ve committed some horrible crime, in straight-jackets and muzzles, screaming, “The surveys made me do it! It was all those surveys!”
I used to fill out every single one of those stupid customer service satisfaction surveys because I believed, for some reason, that it was somehow my civic duty. But after accounting for the hours each day that I spend working, shuffling kids all over creation, cooking, organizing, cleaning, doing laundry, etc., I realized I have precisely 57 seconds of free time left each day. And I’ve decided I’m not going to spend any more of that extra time filling out any more damn surveys.
Listen, businesses, I’ve already given you my hard-earned money, isn’t that enough for you? Now you want my precious time, too? How dare you. My work with you was done when I parted with my money. I appreciate your service and your business, but we’re finished now, okay?
And here’s the deal, to all businesses I frequent: Going forward, If I buy something from you or pay for a service and you don’t hear from me again, that means we’re good. And you can just go ahead and put me down for the five stars or the ten points, or whatever you want, I really don’t care. Just please, for the love of God, leave me alone.
Or here’s another, better idea. How about if I send you a survey, and you can tell me, on a scale of one to ten, whether you think I had a good customer service experience? How about if I ask you all the questions, and you can fill out the damn survey yourself, and then I’ll let you know if your answers were correct.
Now there’s an idea that deserves a ten.