Ten Terrible, Awful Things I Might Have Said Once

1. “And then I had to go to the stupid funeral.”

2. “If the dog is dumb enough to eat my prescription medicine, then he deserves to die.”

3. “Sorry, sweetheart, we can’t go to Chucky Cheese today. I checked the website, they closed at 6 a.m.”

4. “How about if you ask your father if he’ll get you a pet snake at his house?”

5. “Yes, I’ll take you to the emergency room, but can you please just wait until Grey’s Anatomy is over?”

6. “She doesn’t know anything about parenting. She doesn’t even own a pet rock.”

7. “When are all these animals in my house finally going to die?”

8. “If one more stay-at-home mom tries to sell me beauty products on Facebook or talks about training for her latest triathlon, I just might have to kill myself.”

9. “Smart women don’t have jobs. Smart women marry neurosurgeons and then divorce them ten years later and get $10000 a month in alimony.”

10. “I couldn’t date him because he drove a Camaro.”

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